.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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