i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
