Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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