if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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