Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
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this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
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But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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