My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
