Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
vagina is talking i cant
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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