I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...