woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
this hospital has no fireball
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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