hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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