whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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