I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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