i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
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