can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
