I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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