i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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