Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
