the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
