I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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