pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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