Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
