Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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