She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies