I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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