Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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