He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
