I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
