Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
