So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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