what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
