I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
