I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.