so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.