pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
