i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
God I need to hump something, right now.
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