ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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