So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
