My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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