Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
