Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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