everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
