if i can run in heels then i can drive
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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