this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
