Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
BRING THE BAGELS
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
