I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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