youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
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I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
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Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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