my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
