i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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