Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
