I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
