Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
