I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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