i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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