No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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