how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize
