I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
