i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
