Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
