is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
you made out with another girl for some wings
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
