Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
