I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
