Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
