I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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