Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
only you would photoshop your dick
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
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