Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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